Gay Pride Parade Walk #3

Making my way through the pride parade crowd

Half naked people on a float

I walked down into the belly of the beast today! The heart of the madness of the West end of Vancouver…Pride Parade day!

It took about a half an hour to walk a 10 minute walk as I fought my way through the crowds of people. I was left with this feeling of get me the fuck outta here now!

I saw a bunch of floats and naked people wandering around…men in very tiny shorts, so tiny I’m not sure how their balls stayed in place. I guess it’s all in good fun but I just don’t get it. As with most celebrations and parades and displays of fireworks, it just never has tickled my fancy. I often wonder why people even bother…all that wasted energy on getting down there, hooting and hollering like a crazy person, making your way through the hoards of people…I don’t know why these types of things are considered fun!

So, with much cynicism, I worked my way through the crowd as quickly as humanly possible while trying to keep my anxiety at bay. You know the stereo type about old people? How they are grumpy and miserable and don’t like anything…well that’s me! I have been that way since I was a teenager….I was born a grumpy old person! I don’t foresee that changing any time soon, if anything, it has gotten worse over the years.

I read somewhere that sometimes people with anxiety problems and panic disorders have other traits other than the panic and anxiety…they get moody, angry, irritable, forlorn etc. I definitely display those traits any time I have to leave the house…every little thing gets on my nerves. Like the guy who sits in front of me on the bus every morning who repeatedly slurps his coffee as loudly as humanly possible, or hearing a child crying or a dog barking or hearing the rustling of plastic bags can really send me over the edge into a full blown panic attack because of the rage I feel inside of me that I am afraid to express because I will most surely look crazy if I do!

Anywho, it’s no wonder I have difficulty leaving the house when such trivial things irritate the fuck out of me….I’m working on it…slowly, slowly, step by step.

Fireworks over English bay

till tomorrow,

The Perfect Storm…Walk #2

Boats in the ocean at English Bay

I knew that leaving the house today would be a total disaster and I really had no intention of leaving my room for the entire weekend!  First off, I live right beside the ocean at English Bay, so no matter when you go out in the summer, it’s crowded and noisy! I know I should move to some sort of rural area when I can just be at peace but I like the convenience of living downtown…there’s tonnes of grocery stores a minute away and parks and beaches and shops and restaurants…it never takes me long to get to where I got to go and get back home and into bed….and those rare times that I do go outside, I get to look at the ocean, the mountains, the trees and feel the sand in my toes…it’s beautiful.

There’s so much going on this weekend…it’s a perfect storm of events….it’s the long weekend, it’s gay pride weekend and I live in the gay district of Vancouver so it’s just buzzing with parade people and to top it off, it’s the last night of the Honda Celebration of lights where hundreds of thousands of people camp out at the beach all day long to watch some fireworks for 20 minutes.

It took me all day to work up the courage to get dressed and go for my walk! I promised myself not to do any fantasizing about anything in order to stay in the moment and deal with the feelings that arose.

When I got outside, it was a hot mess out there…even the side streets were littered with people. People, people everywhere! I wanted to turn right back around and run, not walk, back into my building but I forced one leg in front of the other and marched onwards into the thick of it down by the ocean.

The beaches were packed with thousands of people trying to get a good spot to watch the fireworks that are set off on a huge barge on the ocean. As far as the eye could see, there were tonnes of  boats…the entire English bay region looked like a huge dock. It sickened me. Every year an infestation of people come down to watch the same old boring shit, fight for a parking spot, be hearded around like animals when the event is over…not to mention all the drunken brawls that inevitably happen.

I pick up the pace, walking faster now to get this over and done with. My mind keeps trying to fantasize about stuff but I keep drawing it back to the present moment…grounding myself in it by smelling the bbq’s, looking at the flowers, watching and trying to be actively interested in the people and what they are doing. It’s sensory overload and all of a sudden this huge world becomes too small for me as I feel squeezed from all directions. I am of this world but not in it! Only a few more steps now and….ahhhh home! Relief washes over me as I know that my bed is only a few moments away and I can hide away from the reality that awaits me beyond my four walls. Isolating feels like home!

Till tomorrow,

My feet hurt!

Yesterday was the first day of my task…each day, take a walk around the block, whether I want to or not, and blog about it. It sounds simple right? Not for me! I am a perpetually lazy, uninspired woman who has Bipolar disorder, a ginormous gambling addiction and a pretty severe case of Panic disorder with Agoraphobia (fear of crowded spaces and leaving the house). I frequently isolate away from the rest of the world, cocooning myself in the safety of my room, sometimes for weeks, with no desire to get out of bed or even pick up the phone and contact my friends.

This is debilitating to say the least and it’s ruining my life! I am 36 years old, soon to be 37 and I have been living like this for years now. Barely living a life…just existing. Doing the bare minimum to get by. My apartment, a roomy coffin and in it, I am biding my time, waiting to die.

Do I have ambitions, desires, dreams? Hell yes! But the truth is, I am too afraid to do anything so I choose to do nothing (or as close to nothing as possible).

We are into the first week of August, and I can count on my hand how many times I have voluntarily been outdoors this summer. So, from some persistence of a friend, I am going to undertake this very challenging task (for me) of walking and getting outside of my apartment for at least 10 minutes each day and sharing what I go through…the journey of abandoning the isolation.

Yesterday I had a difficult time wanting to start this task as my feet felt like they were shattered from waitressing all day. I’m pretty overweight at the moment and my poor feet have a difficult time carrying the burden of my excess baggage. I only work three days a week but by Friday, my feet feel so sore and bruised, it’s difficult to walk.

I took a 20 minute walk after work, down Davie st in the west end of Vancouver British Columbia. This weekend is the Gay Pride parade so the entire street was shut down to set up for the festivities. There were tonnes of people wandering the streets, more than usual, and this made me feel so uncomfortable! I hated every minute of the walk, the crowds of people, the noise of everything…it just irritated me! I wanted to take the bus so I could be home quicker and get in bed for the rest of the weekend. So, I did what I normally do when I need to escape, fantasize about gambling, winning large sums of money and then focusing on what I would spend all that money on. So far, I would need at least 50 million dollars in order to be completely satiated. Gambling is my Kryptonite, my arch nemesis, my drug of choice. It consumes me in every way possible….I have lied for it, stole for it, manipulated for it and have almost been homeless for it! It is my escape from everything and if I don’t get it under control soon, it will devour me!

So, that was my walk. I don’t remember much because I ignored everything and focused on my fantasy. The only thing that took me away from my fantasy was each excruciatingly painful step I took and the thought that my feet just might fall off or collapse!

When I got home after my walk, I was sore and tired and it felt sooo nice to just relax in bed. It’s now over 24 hours later and I am still in bed. I am working up the nerve to get dressed, take my second walk and blog about it.

Till tomorrow,